Tuesday, August 20, 2002

Unknown Shadowy Figure

By targeting the start of the Labor Day weekend for its job action, the Improv Fantasy League Baseball Players Association risks having players on strike on the first anniversary of the Sept. 11 acts of terror. But its biggest risk might be further alienating fans who have demonstrated their displeasure with rising ticket prices through a 5 percent drop in attendance this schedule.

Mark Henderson, the record-setting slugger who has been banned from league play since the 1976 season, is among many who have said that a strike only eight years after the last 232-day ordeal could have "devastating" effects for the IFL's future. "Sure, $1.35 per show doesn't seem like much, but my Pall Malls cost $5 a pack. If Griggs doesn't meet the Players Association's demands, he'll get more than he bargained for, namely, a cock punch!"

Yet players decided a lack of aggressive movement by owners on a proposed "bit/unnecessary scene move" tax, which they believe will act as a form of salary cap, justified setting a deadline.

"We need to reach an agreement, and the hope is that this will focus the attention of the parties and put us in a position to do that," IFLPA executive director Shane Wilson said. "I think an agreement can be reached if both sides remain committed to trying to do that. The players certainly are."

According to a source, another round of talks Thursday "turned ugly" as both sides dug in over their positions.

The atmosphere turned chilly after Commissioner Griggs made a counterproposal that raised the threshold for a "bit/unnecessary scene move" tax of 50 percent for each unnecessary tag-out, walk-on, and dick joke. Players apparently were expecting more of a compromise, hoping for 3 unnecessary tag-outs and walk-ons being allowed per show, and the unlimited use of simulated mother/son, animal/human, human/inantimate object sex act.

Using the calculations that are made for luxury tax purposes, three teams began the season with payrolls above the threshhold. The Rogers Park Rumble average 6 unnecessary walk-ons per show, while the number of dick jokes used per North Center show has reached a staggering 12 incidents per show.

"I want good, solid scenework, free of profanity, scene-destroying walk-ons, and Joe Canale." Said the Commissioner at a press conference. "I like folksy, whimsical improv, the kind of improv Garrison Keiler would do. "Prairie Home Companion. Heh-heh. Now that's funny!"

Details remain to be finalized on drug testing, which has been a longtime point of contention between the two parties. It's estimated that up to 75% of IFL players use illicit substances.

"If it's a difference between being in a roommate scene where we argue about paying the rent, or a scene taking place on a space station where I play a talking space monkey, and drugs help . . . hey, whassup dude? You got a cigarette?" said a shadowy figure out back who vaguely looked like Eric Rutherford/Tony Seales/Mike Betette.

Wrigleyville shortstop Mark Ovies, the highest-paid player, would lose nearly $2.50 per show. "That's one Pabst Blue Ribbon, plus tip. If I have to forgo that to help the rookies, solemente brother."

The future of the league will be decided, for good or ill, when the September-October harold schedule is published Tuesday.