Thursday, May 23, 2002

Chicago Chronicle

Uptown Franchise Moved

Uptown – Disappointed by the lack of support from the Uptown community, Uptown General Manager Joe Canale stunned the Improv Fantasy League community by vacating his team from their Uptown offices and relocating them to a brand new improv complex in the New City community. Mr. Canale and his team rented several moving trucks and began his move out of Uptown at 2:00 am on Tuesday morning. It actually took two evenings for the move because upon arriving at the New City complex, Mr. Canale was shocked to discover that his team hadn't physically moved anything. They had improvised moving all of their equipment.

The IFL Uptown Training Facility

Uptown/New City GM Joe Canale

Mr. Canale was quoted as saying "I'm not upset about the bungled move. But Ryan Golland is one of the biggest guys out there. He was totally improvising moving blankets while Lauren Sharp and Kim Garr were improvising moving 80 pound desks. C'mon, let's use some sense here. Those girls can't be pretending to move that much weight."

"The New City community get's us. You know what I mean? They get us. Uptown sucks dick!" said Uptown/New City outfielder Sean Monahan.

The move was especially surprising because Mr. Canale's relocation request was denied by the IFL Commissioner's office.

More Fine Dining For IFL Players

Wrigleyville – The cavalcade of dinners continues for IFL teams. Cubby Dog Wrigleyville General Manager Jason Chin treated his team to a lavish meal at a high class Thai restaurant. "It was like eating money," stated Cubby Dog team member Marc Ovies. "Master Chin spared no expense."

In what could be an impressive strategic move, Mr. Chin surprised the team and other GM's by inviting and paying for IFL Commissioner Decatur Hilltop Griggs to dine with his team. The Commissioner regaled the team with several anecdotes about his battles with Pete Rose and Marge Schott. Many a Cubby Dogger laughed at the Commissioner's comparisons of Marge Schott to the current GM of the Roscoe Village Team.

The Cubby Dogs of Wrigleyville enjoying a post Thai dinner cigar

"There's no doubt in my mind that this Cubby Dog team is the cream of the crop. I'm predicting that they will easily win the Del League," announced the Commissioner as he toasted the team and handed out cigars. Commissioner Griggs retired soon after to his estate to drink Scotch and to laugh until he cried while watching the film "Eight Men Out."