Chicago Chronicle

The Lincoln Park Trixies: High Rollers

Wrigleyville – On Monday, April 29th, members of the Lincoln Park Trixies were seen trolling in a white limousine around Chicago. After rehearsing for two hours General Manager Peter Gwinn surprised his team by paying for a one hour limousine ride. The vehicle was stocked with alcohol, refreshments, and happy improv athletes. No member of the Lincoln Park team or staff could be reached for comment, as a Chicago Chronicle reporter was held at bay by several "handlers" wearing vinyl jump-suits and Baby Wants Candy t-shirts.

There has been an escalation of wooing and coddling of IFL teams over the past weekend. On Sunday the Galena team had a meal bought for them at a Chicago area restaraunt. Enigmatic businessmen Dr. Cornelius Anger and Side OC are GM's of the Galena franchise, but were not at the outing. "It was great. We ate a bunch of free food and did bits for hours," said enthused Galena player Mike Betette, who is known to dine on jelly sandwiches and grapes regularly as that is all he can afford on his telemarketer salary. Each member of the Galena team was also given a Sears Craftsmen baseball cap. "Free hat!" gushed Mike Betette through his barbecue stained face.

Mr. Chin's opinion on the limo ride "To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, 'Big Deal. It's 20 kids with 10 bucks each.'"

The GM/coach of the Wrigleyville franchise witnessed the Lincoln Park team's limo ride. An unimpressed Mr. Chin said "The Wrigelyville Dogs will be motivated by the glory and honor of long-form improvisation; we have no need of artifical stimulants in that regard. What made the ancient warriors of Greece, Japan, and Rome rise for battle? Honor. Nobility. The Righteousness of their cause." Mr. Chin also plans to cook dinner for his players "An old family recipe from my homeland of Sicily. Vengeance!"

Roscoe Village GM Charna Halpern was also at the scene of the wooing on Monday night. She sped away in her Chrysler Sebring without comment. On Sunday, a feud developed between GM's Halpern and Gwinn over the IFL status of Andy St. Clair. (Details forthcoming in tommorow's issue).

"I encourage these activities. IFL players are thoroughbreds, they deserve to be coddled, fed, and if need be, groomed. They've trained their whole lives for this, countless viewing of Saturday Night Live and the Simpsons, paying their dues at the ImprovOlympic training center and stages, suffering though countless inane bits from Dennis O'Toole on the ImprovChicago message board. Some of these other GM's better take the wooing up a notch or there are going to be some player defections" said IFL Commissioner Decautur Hilltop Griggs.