Wednesday, January 28, 2002

Chicago Chronicle

North Center Fined Again

 

Wrigleyville North Center General Manager Joe Canale is up in arms again. Commissioner "Bud" "Happy" Schanbacher announced that they were going to be fined an additional 10 votes for their recent violation of IFL rules.

"At North Center's performance on January 23rd, they failed to put a full team on the field", announced the Commissioner at the weekly IFL news conference. "In most cases, we're usually pretty lenient, but there were several insolent violations that could not be ignored."

The list of grievances included: Less than eight members from the official roster at show time, Less than the three mandatory females on stage, No coach or General Manager present for show.

North Center GM Joe Canale

North Center GM Joe Canale

When told of the Commissioners recent announcement, GM Canale was flabbergasted. "My wife just had a baby. This puppet regime has gone too far. It was necessary for I and three of my players to give my wife and baby constant attention. Pretend Commissioner Schanbacher better watch himself. The next time he goes to the bathroom alone, I'll do him in good. Saveley and his boys won't be able to protect him this time."

"That's pretty low," commented Lincoln Park Trixies GM Peter Gwinn. "Baby's only been around for a week and Joe's already using her as an excuse to get out of his responsibilities."

This is the second time this season that North Center has been fined for violations. A total of 35 votes will be subtracted from the team at the end of the season.

Canale smirked at the thought that the subtracted votes would be detrimental to his teams chances of advancing to the next season. "We're winning this thing," said the North Center GM as he mistakenly attempted to stroke his mustache that he'd shaved weeks ago. "I guarantee we're winning our division title."

 
Meddling Prude Nick Kanel

Meddling Prude Nick Kanel

Schaumburg GM Worried About His Team

Nick Kanel, the General Manager of the Improv Fantasy League's Schaumburg franchise, has had many sleepless nights lately. His job performance has suffered as well. In every function of his life, the state of his team creeps into his mind.

"I've become a little obsessed," admitted Kanel. "I just can't stop thinking about. I'm haunted day and night by them."

His concern isn't about the quality of their improv, he's worried about a different dynamic of the team.

"I guarantee you that at least two of them have hooked up," said Kanel as nervously twisted and pulled out a thick patch of curly hair from his head. "I say it's two of them, but it could be more. The whole team could be sleeping together for all that I know.

"Yeah, I know," said Mary Nisi, "he just won't let go of that. We've all assured him that none of us had have sex with each other, but he refuses to believe us.

Ryan Archibald shook his head at the thought, "Dude, the guy totally took us out after rehearsal the other night and kept ordering drinks. He got us completely wasted and then tried to get us to admit that we'd hooked up together."

Kanel cringed at the memory, "That completely backfired. I got them way too drunk and kept talking about them having sex with each other. I'm positive that it got them all horny and they all ended up shacking up that night."

The Schaumburg GM has spent hours putting together flow charts and diagrams of all the possible couplings. He's also spent a great deal of his fortune on surveillance measures. Each member of the team is monitored by private detectives along with camera's and wiretaps inside their homes.

Rebbecca Allen was very embarrassed about the entire situation. "It's really sad. I think the real reason he's so upset is because he thought he'd be the one having sex with everyone. Since he's not, he thinks everyone else is. He's quite mad."

By mad, she means insane.