Thursday, January 9, 2003

Chicago Chronicle

Old Town IFL Franchise Not Wanted in Old Town

Old Town – Citing "Aesthetic Contradiction" as their mantra, the Neighbors Of Old Town ( or NOOT) have initiated a massive campaign to evict their newest residents the Old Town Pashminas. "We don't want them in our neighborhood" cried long time Old Town resident and activist Joanna Buese. "They are way too grimy and low brow! Haven't they ever SEEN a hair salon? And hello? What do we want with another IFL stadium? There's starving people out there! That space could have been used for crops or something. Besides, they might be a lot of things but they are NOT Pashminas. I have three and these IFL people are not anything like them".

The Old Town Pashminas, a new expansion team for the tumultous IFL, have laid their roots in this very affluent neighborhood located in the near north side of Chicago for all of three weeks. Since the team's inception, NOOT has painstakingly petitioned door to door in the area slowly building support for the removal of this oft called "blue collar team" of the IFL.

Old Town GM Pat Gallen

Old Town GM Mr. Patrick Gallen seemed somewhat agitated at the news of the pressure to leave and may possibly hold some amount of disdain to those in his new neighborhood. When asked for comment Wednesday morning, an apparently hungover Gallen stated "We're moving to Gage Park where they're glad to have us. Oh and we'll be named the Beef'n Cheddars".

When asked about his alleged secret marriage to new draftee, Brooke Sherrod, Mr. Gallen refused to comment. He then asked us to look behind us as he sprinted away.

Upon hearing the news of Mr. Gallen's designs to move southside, the members of NOOT cheered and began a closed door meeting to discuss their plan to convert the now old Pashmina Stadium into a state-of-the-art Heaven On Seven Restaurant.

Carney First Person to Cry During IFL Rehearsal

Lincoln Park – Joe Carney, a three season veteran for the Lincoln Park Trixies became the first person of the new season to break out in tears.

"He just doubled over and started crying," commented teammate Niki Lindgren. "He tried to regain his composure and get back into the scene, but he was just a blubbering mess."

Trixies Coach Bill Arnett was not sympathetic. "Suck it up. Rub it. Put a band-aid on it. Wipe it clean. Play hurt. I don't care what you do. Just get your ass back in the game."

Sensitive Soul/Incredible Pussy Joe Carney

New Trixie Holly Laurent has been impressed with the intense atmosphere that Arnett and GM Peter Gwinn have fostered. "My last team, we only rehearsed the week that we had a show. These guys are serious about winning. We've scheduled three rehearsal's for this week alone." Laurent had more to say, but Arnett threw a glass against the wall and used one of the broken pieces to carve the letters LPT4LIFE into his forearm.

Teammates report that since the crying incident, Carney has rebounded like a champ. "Every once in a while, his eyes will tear up and he'll start sniffling when Coach Bill starts throwing things, but then he'll suck it up and he'll quit acting like such a puss. It's been quite inspirational."

Carney readily admits that this new season has been a tough one. "I've been inducing vomiting to try to distract myself from the pressure. The good news is I've lost four pounds and we're only a week into the preseason."