Chicago Chronicle

Mystery GM Revealed

Wrigleyville – A week that has been ripe with controversy became even more tumultuous Thursday morning. New Commissioner Bud "Happy" Schanbacher announced that the new IFL GM is Improv Legend Jody Davis. The Commissioner informed the press corps that Davis is a veteran of such notable ImprovOlympic teams as "Frisky Winter" and "Duck, Beaver and Bass".

The Lakeview residents came out in force to meet their new General Manager, but he unfortunately was not able to be present at the press conference. Mr. Davis addressed the media through a prepared statement that was read by the Commissioner. "Lakeview will be a force in the upcoming season and the team will work it's hardest to bring a championship to it's loyal fans. We will settle for nothing less. If we do not win the championship, I encourage everyone to burn down the entire neighborhood to the ground."

Improv legend and new
Lakeview GM Jody Davis

The venerable Jody Davis also announced that the team would be very aggressive in the draft and would acquire veterans that "specialize in support" and students that were "well rounded and intelligent". Commissioner Schanbacher also relayed that Lakeview had chosen the "Ladder" as their mascot. "The Lakeview Ladders are sturdy and will climb to the top of the IFL," announced Davis in his final statements.

"What a retard," was all that could be heard from the other GM's as they left IFL headquarters. It is still unclear as to whether they were talking about Davis or Commissioner Schanbacher.

"I'd feel like a gaylord if I got drafted by a team called the ladders" announced prospective draftee Dennis O'Toole. "If they did draft me though, I'd try my hardest to be the biggest gaylord on the team. Every time we came on stage I'd be moving my hands and feet up and down like I was climbing up a really tall ladder."

Asked his thoughts about the new Commissioner, fellow GM Bill Saveley said, "I've been in contact with the new GM already and we're looking at trade possibilities. He's been nothing but charming each time I've talked to him."

North Center GM Joe Canale scoffed at the announcement of the new GM, "The whole thing is very sketchy. They're hiding something and they're doing a poor job of doing it. You can tell there's more to this story that they're not talking about. I mean, look at this new commissioner. What kind of a half-wit did they bring in to do this job? He's got two nicknames for gaylord's sake." Canale arched his eyebrows and started to elaborate, but he started choking on a banana and couldn't finish his statements. Canale was then asked how it was possible that he was choking on such a soft substance as a banana, but Canale choose to not answer the inquiry.