Chicago Chronicle

IFL Announces New Commissioner

Wrigleyville – While Tuesday's surprise resignation announcement of Commissioner Decatur Hilltop Griggs was certainly unexpected. The announcement of his replacement was nothing short of astounding. League officials announced that the new Commissioner would be none other than Griggs' illegitimate son, Bud "Happy" Schanbacher.

The new commissioner: Bud "Happy" Schanbacher

Proud Pappy Decatur Hilltop Griggs

Griggs and Schanbacher have had a tumultuous relationship every since Schanbacher was discovered in a youth improv facility in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. While Griggs and Schanbacher readily admit that Schanbacher is Griggs' son, neither man have been able to discover who Schanbacher's mother is. Griggs' admission of fathering Shanbacher also led to another embarrassing discovery for the former Commissioner's. For many years Griggs had listed his birthdate as 4/4/73. Investigators discovered that his actual birdate is 4/4/33.

Up to know, Schanbachers biggest accomplishment had been the recent discovery that he had taught himself to wink with one eye. He'll now add Commissioner of the IFL to that list of achievements.

In his acceptance speech, Schanbacher announced that he would strive to bring honor and integrity to the IFL. Twenty minutes later reporters discovered "Bud" "Happy" Schanbacher passed out drunk in the mens bathroom.