Chicago Chronicle

Commissioner Decatur Hilltop Griggs Resigns

Wrigleyville – Citing fatigue and rapidly declining health, Commissioner Decatur Hilltop Griggs resigned his post as the most powerful man in Fantasy Sports. Reporters and league officials were shocked as Griggs made the announcement at IFL Headquarters Monday evening. It had been rumored that the press conference had been called to announce the name of the Mystery General Manager and was well attended by dignitaries from around the globe.

In the days leading up to his resignation, Decatur Hilltop Griggs had appeared to be rundown and withdrawn. Each Sunday, Griggs met with fellow commissioners Paul Tagliabue, Daniel Stern and Gary Bettman for Margarita's, Cigars and Canasta. Even though Griggs walked away winning close to $300, 000 at the weekly gathering, members of the press and IFL fans noted that Commissioner Griggs seemed despondent and preoccupied.

The former commissioner attempts to escape
from a throng of potential IFL draftees

His announcement speech was quick, to the point and answered very few questions. Upon leaving IFL Headquarters, Griggs was mobbed by community leaders and members of the press corps.

His resignation sent shock waves through the IFL. Former Cubby Dog Wrigleyville team member Brian Jack cried when he was informed of the Commissioner's announcement. Several times he attempted to relay his feelings about the retirement, but just couldn't pull himself together to be able to talk.

Andel Sudik, former member of the now defunct Andersonville team, was relieved when she was told of the announcement. "I hated that bastard," she confided. "Every time he saw me, he reprimanded me for not properly waxing his floors. Apparently I bare a strong resemblance to his cleaning lady and he constantly got the two of us confused."

Immediately after the announcement was made, rumors began to circulate about who would replace the legendary leader. Former GM's Jason Chin and Charna Halpern were the initial and most frequent names that popped up. Unnamed sources also confided that former Cage Match host Jay O'Conner and Former President William Jefferson Clinton's name have been named as a possible replacement.

"All I know is that the season hasn't even started and we're mired in controversy," stated Joe Canale just before he fell to the ground and spilled his coffee all over his pants. Canale got up and pretended to play it off like he had tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, but there wasn't a crack anywhere to be found. He had simply fallen because he was clumsy.